All of us make mistakes... and some of them make blunders... and I have made crimes!!! Well not literally but in my own way yes... I am a chicken... and I am scared to talk about this with anybody... but I want to... and hence this blog post.
This blog post contains few of the incidents that have happened in my life which I could have avoided... but I didn't... coz... I was involved in them... The incidents are not in any chronological order but just in the order which I feel most bad about. :(
Incident 1: Put a piece of cloth into my granny's mouth.
This must be the worst mistake/crime I have done in my life... and I can never excuse myself for doing this nor does anybody who has seen/heard me do this...
One afternoon, almost 7-8 years back, when my grandmother was alive but sick... and had become bed-ridden forever.. unable to move around on her own... and when she only made noises whenever she was too tired to tolerate the excruciating pain she was undergoing... I did an unimaginable crime... a crime for which I am unable to forgive myself...
That particular day I was at home trying to study for my BE semester exams... and the noise was too disturbing for me to concentrate on my studies.... and my mother used to shout at my granny whenever she made noise... Not that my mother had enough of taking care of my granny and hence was shouting at her... but just like all human beings.. my mother used to lose her patience once in a while and used to shout... That particular day... I guess my granny's pain was severe and she was in no way going to be the same old quite tolerant lady she usually was.... She kept making noises, shouting because of the pain in her body.. and my mother kept shouting at her whenever granny made noise...
I am not too sure why... but I have the habit of supporting my mother even at times she is wrong... that day too... I just wanted to help my mother and stop her from getting angry... and how could I do it other than asking my grand mother to shut-up!! :( Shit.. I did it... I went and told my granny to shut-up... but with tears in her eyes granny asked me put fire in her mouth in Kannada (means to see her dead)... which was the only way to end her miseries... I was taken aback... but I had lost my temper... I was too shocked to see my grandmother not stopping making noises instead telling me to burn her... I ran took a piece of cloth... and tried to push it into her mouth... She shouted.. shouted loudly... cried for help... and my mother came running into the room.... Mother asked me to leave the room immediately... and so I did by warning my granny to not make any more noises as it was disturbing me for my exams...
After a while.. I guess my granny's pain subsided... and she lowered her voice... and the guiltiness had already started killing me... slowly... to this day... each day... it is killing me... inch-by-inch... it is eating me up... Why on earth did I ever do this to a lady whom I had loved so much as a kid... whom I'd admired so much as a person.. and without whom I couldn't spend even a day.... I have done a crime.... and I can't excuse myself...
To add to this guilt nobody scolded me... nobody even asked me why I did what I did... not even my mother... and at times I hate her for doing this...
My grand mother was the eldest in the family... She was the eldest daughter.. and having married at an age of 14 years... she had done a lot... sacrificed a lot to bring the family of 4 sons and a daughter and their children and her sisters' families and her brother's families to the stage where they are right now.... But because of anger... I had lost control of myself... I became somebody whom I didn't know... and I did something I can't even imagine doing in my wildest dreams...
My grandmother didn't live for too long after this... guess in less than a year.... after I did all these she left me and my family and went to a place where she might have found peace forever.... the saddest part for me is that she didn't even ask for me in the last few hours of her life... She might have excused me for the gravest mistake of my life.... but I have sinned... so shall I bear the fruit for the same in a way or the other.
Sorry "Ajji" for all the wrong I have done to you... for hurting you... for having fought with you when you were alive... I was wrong many a times... but nobody corrected me... nobody made me change the way I did and what I did.... Guess this is my punishment.... I ask you sorry.... and also I request you to not excuse me for the crime I made.... coz.. if you ever pardon me... that day shall be my last day on this earth.
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